When I Grow Up I Want to Be…

As I child, I had a lot of aspirations to be something great. My mind was forever changing, one day I wanted to be a police officer, the next the President of the United States. No matter what profession I dreamed of becoming a part of, there was always a pattern. Every single job; firefighter, baseball player, princess, president, nurse, vet, police officer, designer, etc, every… single… job, has one MAJOR thing in common. Can you guess it? Every single one of them, to me, was a possibility. I never looked at something and thought to myself, “Well I could never be that, that’s not possible for me.” For that I have my parents to thank.

I grew up in a home where I was very fortunate to have two loving caring parents who from the day I was born told me to follow my dreams and be whomever I wanted to be. Sounds like the start to a Disney movie, I know. They instilled the idea of hope and possibility. My first job aspiration was to be the first female president. Now that I’m older I realize how un-fit for the presidency I would be, but as a kid, I wanted to be her. I wanted to be Madam President. I wanted to live in the White House with my First Husband (the male equivalent of the First Lady, not that I planned on divorcing and re-marrying). I was going to run around the grand hallways naked all day long, a weird yet equally important aspiration to my 4 year old self, and paint everything pink, also a phase that I am glad to have grown out of. I was going to create world peace and spread love and laughter. I was going to be amazing.

I was going to be a baseball player. As a kid I would throw around the ball with my dad and feel as though I was ripping my arm right out of its socket. Proud was just the beginning of how I felt every time the ball left my fingertips. I was the best baseball player there was. I felt as though my 90 mile and hour fastball was my sure fire ticket onto the SF Giants. There was no way I wouldn’t be the first female MLB player… I just had one problem… I couldn’t hit… or catch.

I was going to be a princess. Dresses? Pink? (again, just a phase! phew!) Sparkles? Ponies? (Remember I’m in my dreams.) A castle? Sign me up! However, I realized that princesses are supposed to be proper, whereas I giggled anytime someone passed gas or burped. Princesses are supposed to be clean, and yet I enjoyed running through puddles and mud. Princesses are supposed to marry the prince, and I always rooted for the common man, the peasant, the baker, the everyman, the underdog. 

I was going to be a witch. Yes there was a time in my life, around the age of 6 when I found a huge obsession with the ideas of spells, black cats, and cloaks. My love for halloween and the realization that my super curly crazy hair was that out of a storybook led me to feel like the part was made for me. I wanted to be a witch. However, for the first time, I stopped and thought about it. Witches are not real. I can not be a witch. That was the day I realized there were limitations to my aspirations… or so I thought.

Years go by and I loose interest in discovering what and who I want to be. I live in the moment and work on school, soccer, friendships, earning money (chore money), etc. I was happy. Then as I start middle school a P.E. teacher of mine asked if I wanted to help record the school play. Agreeing out of interest in not having to run another mile, I signed up. That was the day my faith was restored. I just didn’t know it at the time.

I met with my teacher after school along with another girl from my P.E. class. My teacher taught us all about how to work the video cameras and how to reset the tapes. He told us that we cant talk while recording because the microphones will pick up our every movement and murmur. It all just came naturally to me, and since my older brother was in the band for the play, I felt as thought this was finally my opportunity to get involved with something greater than just me. I was going to be working alongside my brother, my idol. 

The show passed and so did many more to come, each and every one I volunteered to record and edited the videos together. I was slowly but surely fell in love. Let me be perfectly clear, this love was not what I thought I would have to show for a first love, and yet it was just that. I was in love with film. I loved the idea that every single story and moment was captured forever on some tiny tape, yes tape, that’s how old I was. That’s when I realized something I never had before. Memories of my 6 year old self wanting to be, but realizing I could never be a witch came screaming back to me. I could be a witch. I could be president. I could be a police office, a baseball player, a princess, and a restaurant owner. I could be anything I wanted to be. Art, film, storytelling, it’s all a way to capture the best, worst, most creative, most inspiring, or insightful parts of life. It opened my eyes and allowed me to express myself and be anything and anyone I wished to be. I could be that firefighter. I could play the damsel in distress, or the warrior. I could be and do anything I wanted. Once again I was free. 

As I child, I had a lot of aspirations to be something great.

As an adult, I have a lot of aspirations to be something greater. 

When I grow up, I want to be . . . simply me.

STORY: A Patient Man

              I would like to tell you a short story about a very patient man, my dad. THE BEST DAD EVER!

        
       At 2am I sauntered downstairs with a killer migraine and asked my dad if he could massage my head and neck to get rid of the pain. Without hesitation he agrees, even though he was just about to head off to bed. We talked for a few minutes about infomercials (the current focus of the muted tv in front of us) before moving on to the topic of real estate and house flipping only to somehow end up in a conversation about the stock market.

        [Keep in mind, I know close to nothing when it comes to the stock market other than what I've learned from a little Scorsese film titled "The Wolf of Wall Street"... great film, but that's not pertinent to this story.]

        Now it's 2:35am and at this point I'm asking a hundred questions a minute and my dad is patient enough to help me understand and grasp the general concepts of the market and how the New York Stock Exchange functions. I've never really showed an interest in things like the stock market before, and yet; whether it be the time of morning, or the migraine that I am now unknowingly numb to, I was beyond entranced by the ethics and intricacies of the NYSE. 

        It's now 3:30am, and my father and I have been discussing the stock market for a little over an hour. All the while he has been massaging my migraine away and teaching me more than he probably realizes.

        I want to say THANK YOU to my dad for not only staying up past your bedtime to help your grown daughter get rid of her migraine, but for being willing and excited to share your knowledge and wisdom with the same ears that as an adolescent tuned you out. Thank you for not giving up on teaching me new things. I know as a kid I was hard to understand and rarely wanted to be taught a lesson from my parents, but you always are eager and ready to share life with me. Thank you for being such an amazing father and role model. I love you dad!

        (Side note, I NEVER thought I would be able to say that I diluted a migraine by partaking in an hour and a half discussion about the stock market... But it worked!)

        Now I'm off to bed to dream about DiCaprio scamming his way to the top of the financial world only to be mauled by a bear and a giant iceberg.... wait...

        Love Always,

        kirsten nicole huxtable

A New Kirsten Nicole Huxtable (KNH)

Firstly, Hello there!

Okay, moving on... Let me start by explaining what it is I mean by “A New KNH”. I have not gone through some major transformation (ie; makeover, weight, career, etc), although I hope to soon. Rather I have decided to start blogging again, but with more ME. If that doesn’t make sense I’ll try to explain it further. 

On my blog, that you are reading currently, I used to have something called “Monday Morning Mumbles” where I would talk about anything (lighthearted) I desired, but only on Mondays. I also had a semi-weekly Wednesday post dealing with fashion called, “On Wednesdays We Wear...”. Then there were the random posts that had not a theme nor spot to go. I was so swept up with creating categories and pages and files where you, the reader, could find each specific post. Then I realized, part of the reason I lost interest in blogging was because I had created rules and boundaries that I was forcing myself to follow. But I don’t want to confine myself to one thing.

I acknowledge the fact that I am much more inclined to write and share my life and stories if I don’t feel as though it’s an obligation. I made it seem too much like work, and not enough like a fun hobby (which is what I want it to be and what I know it can be). I already have a job, I don’t need another (just yet)... I want this, I want KNH to be my getaway, my happy place, or one of them at least. (Unfortunately I can’t be in Disneyland all the time, so I have to create and find other “happy places” for me to dwell. haha.)

Anyways, that is what I mean by “New”. The content will be more geared towards whatever I feel like writing about, I could talk about fashion 200 days out of the year or 0 days. I could share a recipe one day and a DIY the next. I can squeal about how much I love the newest film, or share a short story I wrote in High School. Whatever I do, I’m making it much more me.

Expect more posts, more fun, more randomness, and far far less boundaries. It’s time to explore the possibilities of a NEW KNH! 

To being true to you!

Cheers!

Love Always,

Kirsten Nicole Huxtable

P.S. If you would like to read my old blog posts, they are still up on the sight, however they are now filed under "The Old KNH" and are listed by date. (I'll never be able to stop organizing completely.)

Well Then . . .

Welcome to TWENTY - FIFTEEN!!! 

This isn't a new thing, it's been 2015 for approximately 15 days now, so if this comes as a surprise to anyone, I suggest you call someone who can help you.

Now I have no idea where this year will lead me, and I've decided to forego the concept of "new years resolutions" because a lot of times I choose tasks to large to complete in a mere year. Instead I chose to create a list of goals. Yes, those sound screamingly similar, except my list of goals don't hit completion at the end of the 365 days that are 2015. Instead these are lifelong goals that I want to start making more prominent in my life. It's a way to prioritize myself towards the life I want to live.

So here it is, my list of lifelong goals that I am putting into action starting NOW:

GOALS

1. Be Healthy
    (probably a pretty common one in most people's books)
2. Move
    (always keep myself in motion; whether that be via exercise, 
     career goals, or simply location)
3. Be Happy
    (probably the hardest on my list, but I strive to find something 
     good in every day)
4. Try New Things
    (nothing but knowledge can come out of new things)
5. Be There
    (for family, friends, or strangers... be more present)
6. Write More
    (I would like to, once again, find beauty in the written word)
7. Believe
    (believe in myself, believe in others, believe in love, 
     believe in pain, believe in monsters, believe in magic,
     believe in something greater)

Keep in mind that this list will grow. I have my entire life to follow through with these goals, I only hope to find pleasure in them sooner than later. 

I wonder...

If you could create a list of things that would help you live the life you've always dreamed of, what would you put on it? Or maybe you are living your dream life. What do you do to maintain peace of mind, heart, and soul?

Always,
Kirsten Nicole Huxtable

Talk with KNH - Depression

When I start to think about writing another blog post I often find myself with the dilemma of what to write about. I over think EVERYTHING and therefore write nothing. 

I don’t know how to write a professional blog or really what I’m doing at all right now, but that will not stop me from trying to communicate with you. So instead of a topic of beauty, fashion, trips, sorority, or anything else, I will just talk to you. Now I’m not saying that I will never discuss the other topics specified, but I need to find a way to help you get to know me better and help me find myself within my blog.

So for today I want to just talk to you like a friend and let you know what’s been going on in my life. I’m going to back up a bit to show you how I came to be who I am right now, typing on this computer. 

(Incorporated into this blogpost will be some of my favorite photographs and artwork. These pieces really resonated with me during the darkest depths of my depression.)

WARNING 

The below is a very honest and true conversation that is hard for me to share. If you feel uncomfortable at any time then please click away, I wont be hurt if you don't read then entire thing. This information is not to make you feel bad for me, but to help others out there who are going through some of the same things. I want to help others find solace in the fact that they are not alone. This will be longer then most of my other posts, but I really want you to understand who I am and why I am here.

Talk with Kirsten Nicole Huxtable:

A little under two years ago (October 2012 to be exact) I came to the realization that I was not happy. Now I’m not talking about the kind of sadness you get when you fail a test (of which I’ve had my fair share of) or when you stub your toe (also of which happens all too frequently in my life). I am talking about depression. I feel as though this word gets tossed around too often in everyday life. People claim that they are depressed and they very well may be, but a lot of the times what people perceive as depression is just the everyday broken heart or bad day.

I started to realize that I was loosing myself. I stopped creating and watching films (of which is one of my greatest passions and loves in life), I found myself never leaving my room, sleeping immense hours of the day, and never wanting to be around people. I even had the occasional thought of “What would happen if I was no longer here?” I was never suicidal. I never got close to doing anything that could harm myself, however I will not deny that I occasionally wondered about a lot of aspects of life and death that I had never ventured into prior.

As a kid growing up I felt “normal” (whatever that means). I never showed signs of depression and neither did any of my family, so when I came to the idea of depression during my sophomore year at university, I passed it aside. I gave it not a second nod. Then I started to really notice that I was deteriorating. 

Photograph by Christian Hopkins

(Let me fill you in on one key item that I have yet to mention. Leaving high school I was heavier than most girls but not by too much, but my insecurities with myself and bad habits led to weight gain and soon enough I felt like an elephant. This was one of the more influential triggers for my depression)

I was deteriorating and I could actually see it happening. I had just joined an amazing sorority and yet I was far from ready to be social. I rarely got out of the house and when I did I hid behind sweatshirts and false smiles. Every day seemed forced and each morning it was harder and harder to get out of bed. Food stopped tasting and I found little comfort in anything.

One night whilst filming a video for my YouTube channel I got a call from my mother. As I talked to her about how I was feeling I realized I had yet to turn off my camera. I had accidentally logged the moment I came to grips with the fact that I had depression. And what really shocked me was that my mother shared her struggles with depression that I never knew about. Now I will probably never post the video footage, but I look back on it to remind me of where I was. Still when I look back on the video I can not identify the girl on screen. She was a wreck and sad, and that is one thing I never wanted to be. So I used that video footage as motivation to get better and find help. But I don't hate that girl. I never look at her in disgust or anger... instead I view that part of my life as something I had to go through. Without that moment, I may have never come upon the realization that I needed help.

Photograph by Christian Hopkins

The next week I met with a doctor on campus who informed me to make an appointment with my doctor at home as soon as possible because she believed I had depression. I drove home that weekend and met with my doctor who talked to me for a good hour asking me questions like, “Do you like yourself right now?”, “Do you enjoy being around people?”, “When was the last time you felt like your old self?” and “Why do you think you stopped doing what makes you happy?” I’m not going to lie, I started to cry during my session with her because she made it very clear to me and my mom that I was suffering from depression. I was prescribed pills and sent home with information on people I could talk to.

* I want to make a side-note. I know there is a lot of bad stigma attached to therapy and doctors and prescriptions, but just FUCK the people that think like that! Seriously. Don't let anybody laugh at you for wanting to get help. Don't let anyone tell you it's stupid or wont work. The only way to know if something or someone can help you, is if you try. The people who truly love you will stick with you. *

Fast Foreword to July 2013:

Around July (2013) I thought I had my depression under control and would be fine leaving the pills. I told my mom that I had been having troubles remembering to take my medication and that I felt as though I would be fine sans medical help. So we called my doctor and got permission to stop my medication. 

* If you have ANY medication needs ALWAYS consult your doctor before taking or stopping any medication. *

Photograph by Christian Hopkins

I am, still to this day, not on anything but oxygen and it feels good, however there are some days that I wonder if I would be better off back on my medication. I can't promise that I will feel up to hanging out with people all the time, or going to critic the latest blockbuster... but I know that I am doing okay. And as of right now, okay is good enough for me.

To those of you with family members going through depression or something like this, my advice to you is BE THERE. I don't mean literally all the time, because let's face it that can be terrifying, but just let the person know that if they need a shoulder to cry on, an ear drum to rupture, or a person to hug, that you can be that for them. If they are introverted like I am, then surrounding them with constant verbal worry and shielding from family and friends may not be the best idea. For me, what really helped me gain a part of myself back was the realization that I was not being who I wanted to be. So I had to fight for who I desired to be.

I am a firm believer that nobody can pull someone else out of depression. You can have a support system (which I believe is very important). You can have an amazing doctor with medication through the roof. BUT ULTIMATELY... You have to do it yourself. So if you have depression, don't be scared if you don't feel better in a day, a week, or even a month. Things like this take time. You just have to start to search for the little things that make you happy and focus on those.

Photograph by Christian Hopkins

For example, I decided to start a YouTube channel back in March of 2013 because I loved watching videos that certain content creators produced and I wanted to try my hand at it as well. I love videography and creating content where I can connect with an audience. That's why I do it. The more I learned about the power of people and positive thought, I realized there were a bunch of communities just like YouTube out there where I could work on my continual search to find myself. So I started this blog.

I am continually facing one the hardest obstacles in my life so far, depression, and now I am ready to climb another wall. I want to find myself and sometimes the best way to do that is to throw yourself into something you have never done before. I’m jumping overboard because there is no other way to tell if I will swim or sink.

Before I end this post I wanted to post a video that I found circling around facebook that really hit home for me. I am so proud of Kevin Breel for what he is doing. Depression is not a thing to be ashamed of. It's hard to admit that we have it, but with help from people around you; family, friends, strangers... we can create a better world. Please take the time to really watch and understand what this brilliant man has to say, it will change lives.

This has been a long and out of norm post, but I wanted you to learn a tid bit about me and why I started this blog.  "Kirsten Nicole Huxtable” stands for something. KNH (as I like to call it) is named such not just because it is my name, but because it’s my diary of self-discovery. And I'm bring you all along for the ride.

If you want to chat, ask me anything, or voice your opinion, do not hesitate to comment below and I will try to get back to you.

Thanks for sticking with this post and I will see you next time.

Love Always,

Kirsten Nicole Huxtable

On Wednesdays We Wear: Hats & Headbands

Are you having a bad hair day? Need to cover up? Or maybe, like me, you find hats and headbands to be a welcome accessory to any daily outfit, as they should be!

I wanted to grab a few of my personal favorite head/hair accessories and let you take a gander through them. Along with some of my favorites, are some hats and headwear that I would not normally attempt, but that's what fashion and style is all about, tempting and breaking down boundaries. So lets do just that.

Welcome to the wonderful world of headwear!

This hat is very appealing for a beach day or working in the yard, or if you are super daring, you can pull this hat off with the right clothes and use it as an everyday accessory. (I purchased a nice nude one for my trip to Mexico last summer with my best friend. It was perfect for keeping the sun away from the eyes yet at the same time, staying fashionable.)

Even though the model displaying this look is very bridal, I  have faith that you can pull off this look as a sophisticated dressed up everyday look. Take Blair Waldorf for example, she donned tones of headbands ranging from simple to satirical. This look is one to keep in mind.

(Pretty much my go-to hat style! I'm absolutely in love with the oversized beanie look. Don't let anyone tell you that they are only for winter. Wear the hell out of them any day of the year.)

I feel like I have to explain this one a bit. (Above) This hat is not one that I could see myself wearing on a daily basis, or even twice a year, however it is very beautiful in it's own right. If you are looking for a steam-punk look or maybe a costume party, this could be a very stylish choice. I am also a sucker for a good widow's veil. 

This is another one of my favorite looks. I have about 20 baseball caps that I wear on rotation. I used to only wear it bill foreword, however, as of the past few years, the cap rotated towards the back has become a statement piece. So depending on the occasion and the day, I will switch it up.

This last look is very pin-up yet classy and while paired perfectly with loose curls, it creates a carefree feeling. I am going to be working on obtaining this look for myself. 

Well that sure was a very eclectic grouping of hats and hair accessories. I believe that each one, in their own right, is absolutely beautiful. When I decide on a hat day my go-to look is a beanie, or a baseball cap. Sometimes I venture out into the fedora or (what I like to call) the 1920s era hat.

What's your favorite type of hair accessory? Do you grab the full coverage of a cap, or do you gravitate more towards a simple yet playful headband? I definitely need to learn more ways to wear my hair. Let this be the beginning!

Love Always,

Kirsten Nicole Huxtable