Talk with KNH - Depression

When I start to think about writing another blog post I often find myself with the dilemma of what to write about. I over think EVERYTHING and therefore write nothing. 

I don’t know how to write a professional blog or really what I’m doing at all right now, but that will not stop me from trying to communicate with you. So instead of a topic of beauty, fashion, trips, sorority, or anything else, I will just talk to you. Now I’m not saying that I will never discuss the other topics specified, but I need to find a way to help you get to know me better and help me find myself within my blog.

So for today I want to just talk to you like a friend and let you know what’s been going on in my life. I’m going to back up a bit to show you how I came to be who I am right now, typing on this computer. 

(Incorporated into this blogpost will be some of my favorite photographs and artwork. These pieces really resonated with me during the darkest depths of my depression.)

WARNING 

The below is a very honest and true conversation that is hard for me to share. If you feel uncomfortable at any time then please click away, I wont be hurt if you don't read then entire thing. This information is not to make you feel bad for me, but to help others out there who are going through some of the same things. I want to help others find solace in the fact that they are not alone. This will be longer then most of my other posts, but I really want you to understand who I am and why I am here.

Talk with Kirsten Nicole Huxtable:

A little under two years ago (October 2012 to be exact) I came to the realization that I was not happy. Now I’m not talking about the kind of sadness you get when you fail a test (of which I’ve had my fair share of) or when you stub your toe (also of which happens all too frequently in my life). I am talking about depression. I feel as though this word gets tossed around too often in everyday life. People claim that they are depressed and they very well may be, but a lot of the times what people perceive as depression is just the everyday broken heart or bad day.

I started to realize that I was loosing myself. I stopped creating and watching films (of which is one of my greatest passions and loves in life), I found myself never leaving my room, sleeping immense hours of the day, and never wanting to be around people. I even had the occasional thought of “What would happen if I was no longer here?” I was never suicidal. I never got close to doing anything that could harm myself, however I will not deny that I occasionally wondered about a lot of aspects of life and death that I had never ventured into prior.

As a kid growing up I felt “normal” (whatever that means). I never showed signs of depression and neither did any of my family, so when I came to the idea of depression during my sophomore year at university, I passed it aside. I gave it not a second nod. Then I started to really notice that I was deteriorating. 

Photograph by Christian Hopkins

(Let me fill you in on one key item that I have yet to mention. Leaving high school I was heavier than most girls but not by too much, but my insecurities with myself and bad habits led to weight gain and soon enough I felt like an elephant. This was one of the more influential triggers for my depression)

I was deteriorating and I could actually see it happening. I had just joined an amazing sorority and yet I was far from ready to be social. I rarely got out of the house and when I did I hid behind sweatshirts and false smiles. Every day seemed forced and each morning it was harder and harder to get out of bed. Food stopped tasting and I found little comfort in anything.

One night whilst filming a video for my YouTube channel I got a call from my mother. As I talked to her about how I was feeling I realized I had yet to turn off my camera. I had accidentally logged the moment I came to grips with the fact that I had depression. And what really shocked me was that my mother shared her struggles with depression that I never knew about. Now I will probably never post the video footage, but I look back on it to remind me of where I was. Still when I look back on the video I can not identify the girl on screen. She was a wreck and sad, and that is one thing I never wanted to be. So I used that video footage as motivation to get better and find help. But I don't hate that girl. I never look at her in disgust or anger... instead I view that part of my life as something I had to go through. Without that moment, I may have never come upon the realization that I needed help.

Photograph by Christian Hopkins

The next week I met with a doctor on campus who informed me to make an appointment with my doctor at home as soon as possible because she believed I had depression. I drove home that weekend and met with my doctor who talked to me for a good hour asking me questions like, “Do you like yourself right now?”, “Do you enjoy being around people?”, “When was the last time you felt like your old self?” and “Why do you think you stopped doing what makes you happy?” I’m not going to lie, I started to cry during my session with her because she made it very clear to me and my mom that I was suffering from depression. I was prescribed pills and sent home with information on people I could talk to.

* I want to make a side-note. I know there is a lot of bad stigma attached to therapy and doctors and prescriptions, but just FUCK the people that think like that! Seriously. Don't let anybody laugh at you for wanting to get help. Don't let anyone tell you it's stupid or wont work. The only way to know if something or someone can help you, is if you try. The people who truly love you will stick with you. *

Fast Foreword to July 2013:

Around July (2013) I thought I had my depression under control and would be fine leaving the pills. I told my mom that I had been having troubles remembering to take my medication and that I felt as though I would be fine sans medical help. So we called my doctor and got permission to stop my medication. 

* If you have ANY medication needs ALWAYS consult your doctor before taking or stopping any medication. *

Photograph by Christian Hopkins

I am, still to this day, not on anything but oxygen and it feels good, however there are some days that I wonder if I would be better off back on my medication. I can't promise that I will feel up to hanging out with people all the time, or going to critic the latest blockbuster... but I know that I am doing okay. And as of right now, okay is good enough for me.

To those of you with family members going through depression or something like this, my advice to you is BE THERE. I don't mean literally all the time, because let's face it that can be terrifying, but just let the person know that if they need a shoulder to cry on, an ear drum to rupture, or a person to hug, that you can be that for them. If they are introverted like I am, then surrounding them with constant verbal worry and shielding from family and friends may not be the best idea. For me, what really helped me gain a part of myself back was the realization that I was not being who I wanted to be. So I had to fight for who I desired to be.

I am a firm believer that nobody can pull someone else out of depression. You can have a support system (which I believe is very important). You can have an amazing doctor with medication through the roof. BUT ULTIMATELY... You have to do it yourself. So if you have depression, don't be scared if you don't feel better in a day, a week, or even a month. Things like this take time. You just have to start to search for the little things that make you happy and focus on those.

Photograph by Christian Hopkins

For example, I decided to start a YouTube channel back in March of 2013 because I loved watching videos that certain content creators produced and I wanted to try my hand at it as well. I love videography and creating content where I can connect with an audience. That's why I do it. The more I learned about the power of people and positive thought, I realized there were a bunch of communities just like YouTube out there where I could work on my continual search to find myself. So I started this blog.

I am continually facing one the hardest obstacles in my life so far, depression, and now I am ready to climb another wall. I want to find myself and sometimes the best way to do that is to throw yourself into something you have never done before. I’m jumping overboard because there is no other way to tell if I will swim or sink.

Before I end this post I wanted to post a video that I found circling around facebook that really hit home for me. I am so proud of Kevin Breel for what he is doing. Depression is not a thing to be ashamed of. It's hard to admit that we have it, but with help from people around you; family, friends, strangers... we can create a better world. Please take the time to really watch and understand what this brilliant man has to say, it will change lives.

This has been a long and out of norm post, but I wanted you to learn a tid bit about me and why I started this blog.  "Kirsten Nicole Huxtable” stands for something. KNH (as I like to call it) is named such not just because it is my name, but because it’s my diary of self-discovery. And I'm bring you all along for the ride.

If you want to chat, ask me anything, or voice your opinion, do not hesitate to comment below and I will try to get back to you.

Thanks for sticking with this post and I will see you next time.

Love Always,

Kirsten Nicole Huxtable